As the cycle digs its nails deeper, I find myself not just growing weary of all these officiated celebrations and empty occasions, but nearly becoming apathetic.

Not completely apathetic though, I’m not really unhappy with it, maybe that’s the wrong word. But I ask myself, what’s the point?

This is the way the world does it, that’s it. Guess I’ll be fine with that for now.

With the New Year’s Eve show that plays on many people’s screens, I felt myself receding. Their forced personas of giddiness, jolly temperament, and affection. These cultural idols, everyone crowded around. Buildings covered in screens and logos. Music I really felt no desire to have hit my ears.

Honestly, I felt I could have been watching a parade put on by the Chinese Communist Party even though this was all in Times Square. Not because we’re under some totalitarian system or anything, right? Is it not hollow to some degree either way? Maybe I’m jaded or unpleasant. But I don’t care for it at all, I don’t know these people, can’t relate to them.

Or I’m tired.

So I had my gigantic white quilt wrapped around me, please ignore its yellow stain. It’s from lemon juice I spilled. Over the summer, I promise, true story. And I hear all these sound effects, whooshes and suspenseful time ticking percussives. Production team is going all out, huh? People on the screen shouting out and counting down.

Then it happens, I hide away. And I’m curled up completely under my blanket. My eyes closed. Time passes, date changes.

Same as it ever was. And my hopes haven’t changed that much.

Who’s all here? My parents, sisters, our two dogs, and my youngest sister’s boyfriend, Kael. Minimal excitement from me overall. Enjoyed looking AirPlaying my camera roll to the TV last year a little more, not even waiting for the exact turn of the hour. Photos of sweet Jenson and Turgle on the big screen.

I’ve felt off for a while. Yet this night isn’t bad whatsoever, and I have peace. Of mind. The company is good.

I’d been sick with one side of my face feeling tightened and congested, an unpleasant asymmetry I was afraid would never leave, believing it to be some neurological damage somehow. Imagine the sensation of one side of your face constantly having a slight sag and tightness. Anticipating you’ll lose a sense of facial harmony, nerves hyper aware of the persistent sensations, face continually sagging, tightening, or twitching. All unexpectedly. Made me super paranoid.

Likely was just a sinus infection. Or I read about it possibly being related to my Eustachian tube going into dysfunction.

I don’t feel like I’m fully back into my own life as I want to live it quite yet, but I’m getting closer day by day. Sickness slows down and that’s not always a bad thing.

Admittedly, there wasn’t exactly much reason to be excited in the first place for the night, no big party planned. Rarely am I ear-to-ear cheeky grinning, wiggly jitters on a night like this. I was expecting to chill, with less to do than usual given the weather. Ice, wind, snow, and sleet. But I wanted to spend time with my family regardless, and not hide away as if there’s nothing worth celebrating whatsoever even if the core event is very meaningless to me. Because it is worth it having an opportunity to get together with them, celebrating the time we’ve spent.

Even with a generally positive disposition as I began the day, I felt my face tightening again. Scanned the road below the overcast sky, driving. We left for New Year’s Eve celebrations around 11:00AM. Eye strain bringing back that tense feeling in the right side of my face. Uncomfortable, ugly, boring drive. Not miserable, just not pleasant. Could be worse.

Put on some music, Elena and I barely speak. We saw Market Square was open passing through Kinsman. I wish we peeked inside, check if Don was there. But he never remembers us.

At least the roads were fine and the drive didn’t feel too long. Lucy and Lottie, the dogs, had never stayed at the house before. Lottie, being fairly new, had never visited. Lucy, our oldest dog had been there before, but being unfamiliar with how things were set up with the invisible fence made her anxious. She wasn’t feeling it. She was sitting in the back seat, not knowing we were heading there.

When we arrived, she refused to get out of the car. Had to forcibly grab her out of the car and carry her inside, and my parents arrived to see me with my arms around her as she flailed about. She was fine indoors, just dreaded being brought out.

Mia and Kael rode with my mom and dad. And Lottie too.

I took the clothes I washed to sell out of the dryer that I’d left behind a few days ago, hung them on my rack. And I’m proud of this selection, I like these colors. Toured the dogs around the place, exploring and trying to make sure they’d relieve themselves where they should.

Lucy eventually came around, led outside by combination of our dried liver treat enticements (made a Hansel and Gretel style trail, leading her out but by bit) and the oppressive needs of her bowel and urinary function.

But those liver treats were a mistake. We gave her too much, but it wasn’t just that. She was leaking out the most foul silent gas the entire night! Not enough to make your stomach turn, but enough to make you slightly scrunch your face and walk away in dejection.

Lottie was just darting around everywhere, chewing on a deathly-smelling bone before eventually getting slumped and just laying around.

Before Riley got there, we’d gotten too hungry to wait. She was coming in from Columbus and it’d be a few hours since she was leaving after work. I ate a bit before so I wasn’t starving, but also didn’t want to sit around scrolling on my phone with nothing much to do, feeling my day waste away. I was hoping to give my attention to something that seems worth it. Even if just picking up food and eating.

We decided to drive out to pick up Steak ‘n Shake. Elena, Mia, and Kael came with me. Mom and dad told me what they wanted before we left.

We walked in, tapped our orders out on the screen. Mia tried the claw machine. She failed, but then got a little stretchy balloon dog toy from one of those capsule cranks. Kael ripped its nose off.

Riley called; she left and was on the way. “Order for Turgle?” plays over the speakers. I looked over, and saw our drinks placed on the counter.

Elena and I got eggnog milkshakes, kid’s size. Perfect amount honestly, I really liked the flavor. Even had a nutmeg spice mix sprinkled on top.

After that, we brought the food back and ate together in the kitchen.

Was too cold when we ate. My burger was way greasier than usual from the grilled onions I got, but I didn’t mind much.

Later on, mom wanted us to pick up a curbside Aldi order she had placed. Riley was still on the way, so we figured we might as well do something else if we could.

So, we headed to Doomsday Toys & Comics, a place we’d visited without Kael before. Only thing I’d bought there before was a classic , red LEGO astronaut minifigure for Marco. But I remembered a game shelf there.

Maybe we could find a Wii game there to play that night. We told Kael the guy running the shop loved to talk a lot, and unleashes a ton of crazy stories unwarranted. And the building kind of stinks like food and body odor.

But I really like the guy.

When we’d arrived, he was on the phone. It still smelled the way it does.

I made a beeline toward the game shelf. We wanted Wii Sports or Wii Sports Resort, but I was just looking for anything good.

As we’re crowded around the stubby shelf, we see about 10-20 Wii games. He quickly wraps up his phone call and strides up to us. “Are you guys from around here?” he asked.

“No, we’re from Pennsylvania.” His eyes scan my sisters, and he’s thinking quickly, they somehow look familiar.

“You look just like this girl I went to high school with, are you by chance related to anyone with the name Wassilissa?”

We’ve never heard the name. Strange one honestly, what’s the origin of that? “Are they Filipino?” I asked.

“Oh, I wouldn’t know that, but you guys look exactly like her,” he said, referring to my sisters.

Found myself wondering what this girl could possibly look like given our racial ambiguity. As he talked and took us on his eccentric thoughtlines, I continued browsing, still engaged.

Then I spotted it on the shelf! Sitting atop the other games, barely visible. Excitedly, I picked up Wii Sports in its sleeve, I didn’t think we’d find it so easily.

Somehow the tangents carried into him dealing with his ex-wife talking to some way younger guy, then that younger guy awkwardly coming up to him in the gym to work out on the machine right beside him as a power move. Yet he was unintimidated given his past status as a martial arts instructor with old man strength. And his friends were pressuring him into have a girl stay over at his house despite his recent divorce, and so on.

As he spoke I opened up the Wii Sports sleeve, just to check it. Wait.

It’s not even Wii Sports?? In dismay I pulled out a crusty, scratched up, surely nonfunctional copy of Mario Kart Wii. Sad. Deceived.

He had this “Wassilissa” girl on his mind (I’m not sure if that’s how it’s spelled) because of his recent high school reunion. Here he had seen a Stephanie Wassilissa from his grade. So he was going through his photos trying to find a picture of her to show us the mirror image she was.

Rummaging, frantic swipes and taps as he looked back and forth from us to his screen.

Amidst searching, so as to not lose our attention, he told us about how his school let them explore an underground tunnel system beneath the building, which definitely piqued my interest.

I wonder how old the school is? Apparently, his high school and a now demolished elementary school connected underground. What was the purpose?

Might look into the local schools later to see what he could be referring to. I want to explore that so bad now. He never did find a clear photo of her, just a blurry portion of an image where she’s pretty much out of frame. But I saw the outline and mush of someone who very much could have looked related to us.

After we wrapped up, we gave blessings and headed to The Exchange location. It was a short walk away, still in that plaza. We’d definitely find some Wii games there.

Both copies of Wii Sports were $60.00, so we didn’t go for that. But Nintendo Land was only $8.00? I could have sworn it was going for $90.00 a few years ago. But I guess I’m either misremembering, or the market changed, because eBay was reflecting similar prices.

I took it, five player game for $8.00? Pretty good. Favorite of mine either way.

We had to pass by a Marc’s grocery store on the way back to the car. Some cashier inside gave us the stink eye as we were walking past the window, and Kael noticed it too. Why?

Then we pulled into a spot at Aldi for the pickup order, the guy loaded it in, and we left.

By the time we got back to the house, Riley had arrived. Most of the night, we were just floating around, basic activities. Looking for things to do.

Played a game card called “Do You Know Me?” which was somewhat fun. Just not challenging since we’re all siblings aside from Kael. Basically question cards, and you guess if it’s yes or no for the person reading the card and see who’s most accurate.

Riley eventually pulled out a big box of Play-Doh cans and play tools from the cabinet, and we got to fiddling. Riley and Mia made cheesy potatoes, and Elena and I made a strange purple character. Kael just rolled the black into a ball.

We didn’t even end up playing Wii unfortunately, because when I did try to boot it up I was having major issues with the GamePad. Touchscreen lagging and it wasn’t syncing right with the console. I tried to recreate my Mii from our old console. Wasn’t quite right. I had to stand inches from the TV, because if I stood any further away I’d get an alert saying it’s obstructed or too far. None of the controllers had battery life left. So we just didn’t.

We did leave the house briefly to go to Sheetz, just Riley, Elena, and I. When we were about to get to the stop sign before you turn out of the neighborhood, we slid forward on the ice a bit. White snow all around, really coming down.

Good warning to be careful on the way. Luckily it was only a couple miles away.

You know those f’real milkshake machines? I got a cinnamon churro shake from that. Hadn’t had one in a while. I liked my eggnog one from earlier so much I wanted another, hoping it would be similar. It was ok, but not worth it. Riley and Elena got Dr. Pepper from the fountain I think.

Riley filled up her gas, and we headed back.

When we got back into the neighborhood, there’s this one slope upward that the car was really struggling to climb, it was slipping and sliding. Patiently and slowly we sat and watched as Riley attempted to creep up the ice that had formed, bit by bit.

“We’re almost to that tree,” I said, about a tree that was about 10 feet away or something. Yet the car was approaching like a slug. Once a bit past that, the slipping stopped, we’d managed to avoid getting stuck. Got back to the house without challenge.

Then we had our deviled egg’ing, with homemade, blender bottle shaken mayo (which Riley came up with since we didn’t have a blender). We peeled the hard boiled eggs to renaissance music. Fantastic festivity, and I think they turned out delicious. Smelled extremely eggy. All I contributed was shaking the blender bottle momentarily in the basement and peeling the some of the eggshells. Dad had the idea of putting this sweet spicy mustard on top, and it added a really good punch of flavor. Even if the eggs were good as is.

After the ball drop screen celebration and hanging around, Kael was sent to sleep in basement because Riley wanted to sleep in the family room. Since it’s too dusty upstairs, she didn’t want to. And from my past experience, I completely understand.

Always wake up dried up and crusty when I sleep upstairs there, a combination of poor ventilation, limited air movement, and old carpet.

Kael told a tale of how he’d slept on a friend’s porch during the summer because they wouldn’t let him inside, so this sleeping arrangement wasn’t a big deal. It was dirty on the porch and the birds woke him up at 4:00AM or something. Why didn’t he sleep in his car?

The basement isn’t bad at all. There’s a couch and it’s finished, not like a cellar or anything. Only downside is the heat fried him. The vent being directly above the couch, blowing hot air was apparently no good.

I was really ready to sleep. Everything was winding down, and I’d lost the little energy I had to hang. So I’m not sure if much happened once I left.

Probably could have passed out a few hours ago. Around 2:00AM I headed to shower, brush my teeth, and got in bed.

Then I watched some Burtstream since he’d gone live, scrolled around on my phone and checked messages. To close off the night, I played Red Twilight by Gavriel out of my phone’s speakers as I laid in the bed.

While brief, I read some scripture. Usually I don’t at night. But I just did, sort of without thinking. Psalm 73, which touches upon the strength of worldly prosperity, and remembering that the worst of the world won’t last. So, I wrote a very condensed reflection:

Prosperity of evil, the emptiness, and disregard are temporary. It cannot last because it has no foundation in life, who sustains us. Surely it shall fade away, so be joyful in your confidence and embrace what is always real. Who is always and has been and will be.

Reflection on Psalm 73:1-28

I couldn’t remember my dreams at all. But they happened, and I had a deep sleep.

For breakfast, we got a big Bob Evans bundle. Those biscuits and sausage were really good, the gravy as too. Breakfast potatoes were horrible. Soggy, undercooked, and not crispy.

We all had some back and forth about how communism spread to the western world, with talk about certain professors involved, and I briefly touched upon the idea I’d heard that communism is placed to serve a grander, functional purpose in history and narrative control. From more of a hidden globalist control framework perspective.

But I don’t really know and I didn’t explain it well. Everyone was referring to history in their explanations but I care very little for any narratives delivered of such recent times. Especially given how we are presented modern happenings. Don’t know what’s happening now and what happened then.

It’s sunny again, beautiful out this morning. I went to clear all the snow off my car, and was noticing the sunbeams travel through my windows in a pleasant way, scattering through the ice and snow clinging to the windows. Forming a texture with the refraction and silhouette. I pulled out my camera and tried to snap a good photo.

Didn’t turn out how I envisioned but I’ll still use it for something.

Somehow people found the balloons I’d shoved away from my birthday months ago, still holding air. Everyone was bouncing them around and Riley was trying to static stick the purple one to the dogs.

Then they started walking on each other’s backs for the therapy of it, and Kael almost stepped on Mia’s head trying.

Riley sadly had to work tomorrow. We hugged her goodbye, and she left. Then we packed up and got ready to head out ourselves. I asked if dad needed help packing, and he was fine. Then I hugged my mom and we left before them.

Kael and Mia waited in my car. Elena came and got in too. And I found a french fry. I pick it up, and maneuver my arm to stick my hand toward Mia’s face. Fry outstretched, held between my thumb and pointer. Like offering a penny to a homeless person.

“How much for me to eat that?” Kael asks, and he took hold of it, examining.

“Everything in this door,” I say tapping on the little door pull pocket I throw coins into.

Covered in Lucy-butt hair left from many drives. “It’s not that old. I think the fry is only from yesterday hopefully?” He ate it.

“It sort of tastes like sand.” Mia disapproved. I scooped up the change and handed it over.

Dad was walking Lucy one more time, but then I brought her in the car with us. Then we headed out. Before we left to go back to Meadville, we wanted to explore and do something fun.

First destination on our list was Hair Depot Plus, a wonderful wig haven. Really it’s just a bizarre place, that’s the only place we wanted to go. But it was closed! The parking lot completely unplowed.

So next we headed to the mall, to check out ICG Hobbies and Games. It’d have Pokemon cards. We planned to go with Riley before but couldn’t with the weather last night. While I browsed the dice, admiring the material mixes, a ghastly set of sneezes erupts from behind me.

I turn around, glancing at the clerk standing there behind the counter, resettling from her expulsion. Looking around, I then noticed that Kael and Mia left without telling us.

Elena and I headed out to look for them, but we stopped inside Chocolate Boutique, a big candy store.

We needed to get another enchilada dinner soda. A few nights ago, I drank mine after having it in the fridge for almost a year. Maybe more? I’m not sure. They had them there, $2.99 each. But I wasn’t in a sugary enough mood to spend that money, so I didn’t get one. Soon.

I checked Mia’s location, and we started heading toward her pinged position from a few minutes ago.

We’re walking parallel to the aquarium area. While I was looking around for Mia and Kael, I heard someone fake-cough an insult, which I think was aimed at me after I glanced in their direction. I’m not even sure it happened?

My mind fills in gaps at times, but I felt briefly unsettled, confused. A tinge of paranoid self-consciousness. I fell too quickly into wondering if I stood out or was being judged, even though I was just existing and trying to find people.

Started as thrown off but soon got to wondering why people are that way, and if there’s anything worth pitying there. Like the glare from Marc’s. I determined that it’s half sad and wholly pointless. For them to act that way, and for me to think about it much. It passed quickly.

As we neared GameStop, still searching, we got close to a small stuffed animal and puppet store, but I forget the name. Mia and Kael popped out at the perfect time. Searching for Jellycat plushes, but the store was entirely out somehow, likely from Christmas. With that out of the way, we went back to the car to head back to Meadville.

On the way out of town, we stopped at Sheetz, because gas was super cheap, only $2.13 per gallon. I filled up, and we set off to Market Square.

We needed to show Kael how insane it was inside. Hyping up the stench experience and sewage buckets. But they were closed too!

It was disappointing, but we should have expected that for New Year’s Day. So I just continued driving.

“Crash the car,” Elena said from the back, in her sadness.

Lucy sat in the front seat. She was leaking stinky breath the whole ride but only Mia, Elena, and Kael in the back were affected. I couldn’t smell it at all.

Enjoyed some tunes, and I’d noticed a really interesting green up in the sky. Where the clouds got a darkish blue, and the horizon cleared into an opening of yellow. Then there’s a gradient between those two shades, and within that is a beautiful green I rarely see.

Behind us, the sun shone as it got close to setting, golden light gliding off the snow as the sun got further and further away.

As we got home, it had pretty much fully set, and the sky soon darkened.

We unpacked the cars while Kael and Mia went to clear the snow off his vehicle. Lucy galloped through the deep snow that’d piled up from the heavy fall last night. She peed and headed toward the door. She was definitely happy to be back.

Helped mom bag some leftover mac ‘n cheese to freeze, warmed up some biscuits in the toaster oven, and helped dad carry some things inside.

I headed up to see my room again, not remembering if it was messy or not. All is in order.

Laid on my bed, and opened Twitter. I see a post of someone checking their full name on Google Trends and seeing they got searches recently appearing. Got me curious.

I checked out my full name, expecting little to nothing. But I discovered what’s either an anomaly, bot behavior, or reason to believe someone or something may be trying to research me.

Starting shortly after midnight today, there were unusual spikes in search interest for my full name, according to the site.

At 12:36AM, my full name got a 40 interest score. Then at 1:32AM, it got a 69. Later on at 3:40AM (I was asleep at this point in the night), it was a 91. Lastly, at 8:12AM, there was a 100. These scores follow a concept relative popularity. With a value of 100 being peak popularity, 50 being half as popular, and 0 meaning there is not enough data. So there was data? Who is searching?

I was super confused. And now, checking back it’s not even there anymore. But I took pictures of my screen. Very mysterious honestly, especially given its disappearance. Are they trying to kill me?

That’s basically been my year so far.

Would I keep track this way, in years, months, and weeks if I didn’t have the world telling me this is the schedule? No, I don’t think I would. I don’t think I’m that inherently clever.

Spring seems a much better time to start the cycle, experiential new beginnings rather than seeming more arbitrary and astronomical. Yet I’ll hold onto these schedules, because I’m too used to it for now. Just not with any symbolic importance.

Perhaps I do have some programming for this to be a time of new beginnings though, because I’m taking the opportunity to join in on the collective ‘time for change’ sentiment, trying some new habits and getting to work on things I’ve put off. Like this journal entry.

Now I’m home, writing this and I don’t know if it’s too long or not, it’s probably fine. Not sure what I’ve forgotten either, or how accurate the dialogue is. Since I have the time to write, why not write? Won’t always have the time or mind to document.

If anything, writing these shows me I’m alive and things are happening. And I’m sure I’ll like looking back someday.

Maybe you’ve now enjoyed this window into my life. Unless the internet goes down? Perhaps I should print this out too.

I’m always afraid of using solely digital archives. Given it’s all so reliant on technologies with inner workings I will never fully fathom, and won’t be able to replicate in any sufficient way. Or maybe at the end of the month or season, I can do a volume where I print everything from that span? Could be interesting. Then I can just put it on my bookshelf. Yet I am limited, and lazy. Takes a lot to make everything physical.

Until then, time to keep on living. Or something along those lines, yeah. I have always had resolutions, and they have stayed the same but as I learn I am capable of better, the goal post moves.

Through this month I will work on gathering completed works and materials, creating some strategies, and laying out a list of five new specific, measurable, achievable, realistic, and time-bound goals. Rather than diving in blind with ultrahigh ambitions.

But I am ready to keep on creating, and now I’m nearly ready to share. How easy is this to say now, for it be disrupted with life and fail? How easy is it for me to mess it all up?

Super easy.

-Liam A. Reese

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